Yep. I don’t know if it’s the winter blues or my inner core trying to communicate something to me.
Today feels like slicing onions, I’m on the verge of tears. My throat feels odd and constricted. My chest feels heavy, like two firm hands are pushing into my body to expel the air. I keep talking myself out of it, hyper aware that it feels like a brewing anxiety attack but I’m denying it. I don’t want to have one. I’m refusing to have one.
My brain is organised mush.
I’m overwhelmed. Clearly.
I’m backtracking in my thoughts to figure out why… but I already know.
I’ve been home all week sick with sick kids and my house suffers for it. I try to meditatively breathe through the actions of making it orderly. I can’t get anything else done until my house is clean.
I’ve not had much human contact outside of my home this week and now my stomach churns at the thought of having to leave and make polite conversation.
I flick through in my mind and count all the calories of food I’ve consumed this week… and how I haven’t been able to exercise because I’m not 100%. We’ve been invited for dinner…. and now I’m thinking about all those calories too.
I’m the peace keeper and destroyer of peace. I scold myself for waving white flags between family members, yet I absently mindedly loose my shit and cause one of the kids to cry…. and it wasn’t even the youngest one who typically can cry on queue…
I’ve got a mountain of chores to do…. I think as I spy the film of dust gathering around my bathroom as I pee…. alone for the first time in days….
I get asked to help on creative projects and freak out on finding the time to do ALL THE THINGS.
I want to do ALL THE THINGS, but I want time to do all my things….. and I want time to do nothing.
A filthy dark grey cloud has come to visit me today…. it feels heavy.
I make notes on my to-do list a mile long…. I set myself up to fail….
I’ve already got the answers to solve my problems…. I fail to execute the appropriate actions to succeed.
This is me, processing what anxiety feels like…. to me.