This is chaos. I’m not a fucking happy camper.
These are the twins rooms at present. You can bet they won’t be looking like this by the time they get home from school today because Mum’s going on a rampage.
I’m due to go back to work next week and I’m in the process of setting up processes to make life easier for everyone. I don’t run a particularly tight ship, I used to. And it caused more stress than it was worth, trying to live up to impossible standards that realistically doesn’t make me a better mum, or wife, or person.
Not long after the twins were born I threw myself into maintaining a pristine home. I ran around after them, wiping surfaces, keeping up to date with laundry, dishes, vacuuming, moping. I cleaned daily and for hours trying to prove (to no one and everyone) that Just because I fell pregnant young, that it didn’t mean I couldn’t be a good mum or wife. I was obsessed with the idea that if my home was in pristine condition, then that was at least one thing people couldn’t judge me for.
My mum said something to me the other day in worry for something:
“I know I wasn’t the world’s best mum…”
and it clicked….
No, she wasn’t… but here’s why:
Nobody is…. Nobody gets a trophy. Nobody gets a prize. Because there is no such thing as “The World’s Best Mum”…. at least not according to our own (motherly) standards.
Our children will always think differently…. (mostly, most of the time, maybe)
But I know I won’t ever be the world’s best mum, or even come close….
My own impossible standards of what it would have meant for me to be in the running for a prize that doesn’t exist I would have:
Not got pregnant at 18
Not ever stayed out late instead of being home with my partner and kids
Never got a job
Never not got a job
Always made them eat healthy nutritious food
Been able to do extended breast-feeding with all my kids
Been co-sleeping with all my kids
Had ridiculously academically smart children
Made them work for 5 hours everyday on reading, maths and science. (regardless of their age)
I would never have had my own interests or hobbies
I would never had spend money on anyone but them
I would never have still partied through my twenties and made some god awful mistakes
….really….I could keep going… but I won’t….
BUT THIS^^^^Room situation
I do not condone or tolerate. NO. Especially not when they had told me yesterday that it was clean before taking off with friends after school. I didn’t check because I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. I was wrong. Clearly.
But I’m not really pissed at them for having messy rooms….from what I hear it’s perfectly normal for 12 year old boys…. maybe even girls….Nope, what I’m pissed about is knowing that my frustration is more about my failures as a parent, it goes beyond the messy room. I pissed about what their messy rooms says about me as a person and feeds into all the bullshit stories I tell myself that highlight all my worst fears.
It’s not just bedrooms that are chaos…. parenting is chaos.
You’re damned either way. So, love them, feed them, keep them alive, teach them cool shit that interests you, encourage them in their interests, don’t be an asshole and don’t teach them to be an asshole.