I don’t want to be admitting this but I think I’ve stewed on it for long enough. I might add that this recent experience has made me aware that I might have some issues to work on.
(In my lovely princess land, where everything is perfect, tut tut) I have always found it difficult to advise on matters of jealousy. I have been getting around telling people for ages that M and I don’t do jealousy. For the most part, this is not a lie but I should correct this. Jealousy is not actively present in our day to day relationship.
However when something triggers the jealous demon it’s a Hyde/Jekyll situation, for me.
I turned into a big green monster.
I wasn’t aware I still had demons like this and have sullenly accepted awareness.
We spent 3 years working in a bordello both M and I, not always together and not always the same shift times. He was an escort driver, I was a receptionist and never in that time did I even bat an eyelid. Never had a thought to worry, feel insecure or threatened. When it snuck up on me a few weeks ago over the silliest of crap, I’m still trying to analyse why. I’m not sure I have the stomach to go into details.
Jealousy as an emotion feels irrational to me. It starts as a sickly feeling in my stomach, an awkward churning. After that I feel it in my chest, it gets hard to breathe and heavy. Not long after that my throat starts itching then before you know it my brain pops out my skull and skin turns inside out, blowing up in size and there it is. Mrs Hyde. I start making up storylines, scenarios and completely stupid plots for no good reason. I start hunting, snooping and looking for more clues. I parade around in my bitchiest pants ever, moody requiring yellow caution tape. I turn into a disturbed creature… twisted and gnarly.
I thought despicable things in my plight of jealousy, that I have only had the courage to admit to girlfriends. I let myself drop kick my face of reason. I feel completely ashamed and embarrassed to still be affected by petty, irrational emotions that do not serve me in any way. (except to make me an asshole)
So, I’m going to keep trying to unravel the triggers knowing that they exist albeit dormant.