I’m pretty lucky that in my corner of the world I have friends and family in and out of the BDSM community that hold similar ideas where it counts. I was chatting on my sun touched balcony this afternoon with one of my best friends about different ideas of submission. She herself is in a long term committed, collared relationship and we have as many commonalities there as we have differences. What came up in discussion today for us was about the concept that submissive or (in our relationships) slaves are not only encouraged but expected to be able to function and be independent.
Now, when I say independent I don’t mean frivolously floating about with no care for the expectation and opinion of the Dominant/Master. Independence is not the same as disobedience, at least it’s not for me in my relationship dynamic. One of the most important aspects of my continuing growth in life as a human being is my freedom to have self development, have experiences and to be able to express my feelings as authentically as possible. Sure, I love some good ol’ fashioned enslavement, or more affectionately brainwashing, but I can healthily have that opinion because of the awesome job he does in hiding how he manages to affect my perceptions in the area that he chooses.
It has been of no effort for him to create a space of dependence from me on to him. Granted I do depend on him, for many things like; companionship, friendship, parenting, ethics, guidance and care. I depend on him for the things that one would expect of their partner regardless of BDSM labels and relationship dynamics.
He has done nothing but encourage me to be able to do things independently, like get a drivers license, study, get a job, facilitate self development. There is not a doubt in my mind of that which I am capable to do, or get on with, without him having to constantly contact me, breathe down my neck, spy on me or check up on me to make sure it is done. But also, he shouldn’t have to. At least for us, in this relationship, that style of relationship would not work for him.
I would imagine it to be utterly exhausting, time consuming and self limiting it could be to have created, fostered or disempowered a person to singularly rely on just you. But then, I’m no Dominant, or Master, Mistress and I’m not interested in wielding that kind of control.
I’m much more aligned to my life as an independent slave, and having a partner that can control me, support me and empower me in all the ways that count.