I’ve always felt as though it’s been obvious to people that I’m a bit odd. When I was younger I definitely revelled in the shock factor and extracting reactions. It was even more bitter sweet when the more I was labelled “weird” “odd” “goth” “a witch” or whatever the chosen insult of the day was, I would go further out of my way to be whatever it was I was being accused of. I think of this in a positive way though, because I developed pretty thick skin and didn’t really care if I wasn’t doing all the thing the cool kids were. Though what I can see now is that particular interests, tastes and afflictions were never going to fit what a majority of people understand as being normal. And that’s ok with me.
I was an intense teenager with rich emotions and barely any idea on how to harness the power of those emotions to better serve my potential. (or as I like to call it: Free-spirited)
It was of no surprise to me really when I started exploring my own sexuality that that sense of being different was apart of that. Things that we get taught as girls about relationships and how boys should treat us is pretty specific regarding abuse and domestic violence. There is a whole blanket concept that gets preached that a man should never hit a woman. Like ever. Even today this is still a commonly taught aspect of behaviour. (One I fully agree is crucial, but in our home is more about not promoting physical assault to anybody regardless of gender.)
One of the first notions I had about this sense of taboo was that the idea that my sexual partner couldn’t hurt me, it broke the rules. My interpretation is different now, but they don’t expect that young people understand the concept of consent and thus they don’t educate young people in how to engage in consensual activities. (of course now we are seeing more and more evidence of this careless lack of education) My exploration in kink and BDSM, even for a renowned rule breaker like me, was delayed because I couldn’t get my head around it being ok to like pain in a sexual way. I didn’t know if it was ok to discuss these desires with my partner, or if I would get rejected because of it.
Not all experiences of pain in my life lead a road to the Pleasure centre! Some forms of pain are perfect pleasure and others are just fucking painful. The two biggest ways I experience pain as a consenting adult, in a healthy functioning relationship are either during sex or during BDSM Play. Pain play for me is like a resetting of the soul. It’s a cathartic release to recharge and allow my mindfulness to become connected to the physical. Everybody has stress and deals with stress in their own way. (I regularly have days where I feel like I need a good slap in the face to set me straight.) Pain play is one of the ways I deal with mine. Though it’s not part of my everyday life, it’s the sessions I look forward to in knowing that I can have the release I need and the opportunity to reconnect with my partner. Our relationship isn’t centred around kink or BDSM but it is a big part of the way we communicate our needs to each other.
Our style of pain play is our own. We’re not really extreme, hardcore or ready to explore mind boggling pain and to be honest there are times I really don’t think I’m going to be. (And that’s ok) We do what we do for ourselves and our relationship, here it’s not about putting on a show or being the most crazy pain play people ever. (I love watching crazy pain play though when other people are doing it) I’m really like a baby masochist with a stubborn submissive streak who also gets a kick out of the mental control that plays a big part in the physical things we get up to.
I’m grateful that we are lucky enough to have other kinky people that we can get together to exchange ideas and talk with and that amongst the Perth BDSM Community what it is that we do, isn’t taboo at all.