On a good day, I’m a really good doting s-type in my dynamic.
S-types are the ones on the lower side of the slash. The slave to a Master or Mistress, or submissive to her Dominant or Domme. Or possibly the switch in a submissive role.
On a good day I remember to make my Husband feel appreciated and cared for in our life and home. I check to make sure his immediate needs are tended to or if there is anything he’d like me to do that day. It’s not that I would say I go out of my way to do these things, but it happens in a very integrated way, to our normal daily lives.
On a bad day, I might completely forget he exists. It’s not that I don’t know that he is there, or that he has needs but it doesn’t occur to me because I’m pre-occupied and not really in the caring mindset for putting his needs above mine.
I spent sometime over the past few weeks really examining the nature of the dynamic I have in my relationship, feeling a bit sorry for the state we’re in and how I have attacked at it for all the things I have deemed it is lacking. While we’ve had a Power Exchange relationship now for some years, lack of adequate workshops, information and face to face open discussions we have managed to slip through the cracks. I have read blogs, articles, made contacts with people online to talk to and in that time have only developed a small window view into some aspects of Power Exchange relationships and the applications to different types of dynamics. There have been a lot of concepts that seemed very jumbled and hard to articulate or navigate in the search for the things that resonated with me and us.
I thrive in retaining information and understanding when I have visual and audio clues to what I am attempting to understand and absorb.
We attended a skillshare today which focused on Rituals and Routines. Its a long time to wait to hear specific information in person with people who genuinely have a passion and love for openly discussing the ins and outs of BDSM and relationship dynamics. I walked away with a much broader understanding and clarity of the ways in which Rituals and Routines can enhance and centre the connectedness between two people.
Routines are not a hard concept for me. I love organisation, structure and clear expectations from how I spend my time and how my day might look. I like how having a routine creates a stress-free environment and allows me to flow through my day without getting overwhelmed. Yes, a lot of what I do is the mundane. It’s the duty and action I take in keeping a clean and tidy home, meals cooked and laundry done….eventually. Routine is how I relate to how I feel good about the rest of my life if I can see that at least something can be controlled and managed. As opposed to all the bullshit that takes our life on the rollercoaster ride from hell and back. Routines are my happy place because I thrive in the achievement of getting things done in the provisions for a happy home.
Rituals are the actions I take that generate the mindfulness of my love for formality, sensuality, surrender and acceptance by Him. Rituals remind me of the sheer beauty and freedom in my surrender of connecting to another. To Him. I delight in the concept of taking the time to complete the most seemingly subtle acts and transforming them into delicate ways to express my devotion for being at His side.
So what rituals can a busy s-type have that realigns her focus and dedication?
Making a Splendid Cup of Tea. Some of my other friends in similar relationship dynamics have more oriental styles of ritual involving tea, whereas here, He prefers English Tea. For us, our take on tea service is more about the gesture and pride of making the perfect cup and serving with as little interaction as possible. I’m not generally to be kneeling or making sensuous movements nor would directly hand the Master or Mistress any item. Tea would be made carefully on the tray after appropriate brewing, then placed within comfortable reach for the Master or Mistress to access when desired. If the tea was unfavourable then a correction would be made, but in most cases I know how He prefers His, but am required to wait for a verbal or physical cue that I can resume other things.
This particular way of serving would possibly seem more detached to how others perform a tea ritual but for us, in our busy child ridden home it is easily practicable with tiny humans running about. It doesn’t take a lot of time and can be achieved with little fuss.
Preparing His Towel For the Shower. For years He has had an odd habit of getting in the shower and then calling out for a towel afterwards when realising that there isn’t one for Him when getting out. Amusing for me at least but frustrating for him. Preparing a towel and making sure it is hung correctly and accessible allows him peace of mind and wastes less time knowing that he doesn’t have to hunt one down if he is rushing to get out the house. I also tend to the towel afterward to make sure it is hung to dry or laundered.
I can easily take the time in the morning to prepare that towel for Him if I am leaving the home for the day, or I can prepare it if I hear the taps splashing on! Either way it is a small ritual of centring my focus by taking a little time out to reconnect in a way that is simple but effective in its purpose.
Simple Greeting or Parting Gestures. This is very easy and self explanatory in that it really only requires that we acknowledge each other in greeting or parting with a verbal or physical adoration. We haven’t always made a grand effort for displays of affection so on hurried days this might just be a wave and verbal communication, or it could be a quick kiss.
Even if he comes in home late from work, he will come and pat my sleeping head. I am usually to far gone to acknowledge but it is not required. If I have come home late from work, I am not required to pat him on the head. He wouldn’t know if I did really, and there is a slight chance he could end up attacking me if he did.
Daily Silence. This can be done as a order/request while at home, sporadically if time persists on being a shithead or at a set given time. The request for silence could be given as a verbal command or a gesture to last for as long as He desired. Even if at home with the family this can be implemented for a short period of time with still the same amount of impact. While longer periods of quiet time would give an enhanced opportunity to reaffirm and reflect, it may not always be possible. If I am alone at home, he could order this by text which still works as I can more notice of how unnecessary and necessary noise can be.
This ritual allows for me to take a directed deliberate vow of silence to contemplate the mindfulness and serenity that is accessible to me in the surrender. Daily Silence is not used as a punishment nor a way to shut me up when verbalising life but as a way for me to connect with stillness and engage through the ability to reaffirm obedience, even if that is fleeting for someone like me who can be so primally minded.
The Taking Off Of Shoes at The Door. When entering the home I am to take my shoes off and put them away immediately. I am to also put his shoes away when he has taken them off. Doing this is a preference of his that reaffirms His home and preference for bare feet within it. I am not allowed to wear shoes in the house.
By taking the time to make sure I take my shoes off and put them away I can be mindful of my station and transition from the world where I might have been crazing and engrossed it. I come home to remember that my I have a reason and purpose in belonging here.