Collarless

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“You used to take joy in me… and now I’ve let my guard down having thought things would change. Having begged for months and years in concern for the path that was developing.

Being without your collar breaks my heart. Being without the notion that I belong and that what we used to mean to each other is empty. I let myself delight in taking pain and pleasure last week, and for that I now feel lonely and weak on assurance.

Your love and tenderness for me is overly sickening. Its not what I crave. I knowingly understand these aspects of myself and grow more accepting of everything carnal I desire.

You can love me all you want, but if you can’t lust for me, for destroying me…”

This week I am finding things a little tough. I am missing my relationship and I’ve been busy all week with a billion stressors and no ability to just press pause on anything. The plus side is I have stayed motivated and started planning and working ahead of myself again which is what I know I need to feel secure in my work and home.

My solution was to stay in my pyjamas all day and eat whatever I wanted. Its the first day since last week that pyjamas was able to be a thing, and for that I am grateful.

It is pretty easy for me to imagine cutting myself off from people and situations at the moment that cause me to feel about my current situation. Everyone kind of just expects that M and I will be ok, that we will work it out. But that actually puts a lot of pressure on hoping for that to happen quickly which in the process actually feels really dismissive of how things are right now.

I had plans that I was looking forward to all week, that just can’t happen. Partially because of money, and mostly because I have sold myself on hibernation.

Tomorrow was an event that M and I have always wanted the opportunity to attend and had even planned in great detail an event like this of our own. (Though I’m relatively sure I won’t be sharing my creative ideas with anybody in the future, ever again.) A proper High Protocol Event. Just my luck that we’ve dissolved our bonds and are no longer able to attend. Watching the entirety of something we really wanted slip away because right now our relationship sucks.

I am collarless because we dropped the ball, and because I’m stubborn and you won’t talk to me.

 

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