Starbuck: You’re the CAG, act like one.

Apollo: What the hell does that mean?

Starbuck: It means that you’re still acting like you’re everyone’s best friend. We’re not friends, you’re the CAG. “Be careful out there”? Our job isn’t to be careful, it’s to shoot cylons out of the frakkin’ sky. “Good hunting” is what you say. And now one of your idiot pilots is acting like a child and refusing to take her pills. So she either says “Yes, sir” and obeys a direct order, or you smack her in the mouth, and you drag her sorry ass down to sickbay, and you make her take those pills.

Apollo: Well, I’m glad I’m not working for you.

Starbuck: Damn right you’re glad.

Apollo: So, do I have to smack you in the mouth, lieutenant?

Starbuck: No, sir, I’ll take my pills.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m a big Battlestar Galactica fan… seriously I love it. Maybe I’m a romantic at heart but as I watched through those first few episodes the instant relatable quality that captured me was the character of Starbuck (played by Katee Sackhoff) as well as the snippets of interaction between her and Apollo.

When I first watched that scene with the quote above here ^^^^^^^ It most definitely reflected that attitude that I have carried with me in my way of learning about how submission works for me, how I am wired and what the fuck?

I am a natural control freak and its not unlike me to get carried away with being a control freak. I like things going on track certain way so that it doesn’t ignite the complexities of anxiety.

This is pretty much where I am at these days. Painfully and passionately so.

My job at LT’s whatever happened had dissolved in December and I was lucky enough to grab balls and ride my unicorn into a happy place where all the awesome fun things are upon me and my skills and “me” have found our place doing what we love. However part of this meant trying to find my place back in the home after working like a crazy bitch for 2-3 years doing night shift.

1. Being home all the time is scary!

2. I didn’t even notice how much of the things don’t get done!

3. 9 times out of 10 the kids will still come ask me for the most annoying crap, even if M is just playing xbox!

4. All of this has ignited my 7 year bitch and I am ready to kill.
Our relationship dynamic has been pushed and pulled in the last few months with the crappy economic downturn finally rearing its ugly arse head into our happy home. (Fucking cunt of a thing)

It’s affected a lot about how we have been functioning as a team of parents and adults, which essentially means we haven’t really been doing much adulting… or being a team. So in walks HER on her high horse with a battle axe! Yup!

We’d gotten to a point where we’d started letting our relationship dissolve. They say ignorance is bliss and it is until you wake up from the shit storm of being an ignorant fuck!

“No sir, I’ll take my pills.”

I’m ye’ ol’ faithful. I’m a realist who over analyses everything but have learned not to over analyse my relationship and just learned to be…

Learning to surrender in the first place took me a good while to get ok with what that looked like, and what that meant but when I got there it was easy and everything made perfect sense… (most of the time) I do liken it much to this quote.

I always think I know whats best for me. I always push my own limits. I work harder than I should and I have a hard time taking orders if I think the logic is flawed, or my logic is better. I will take the order kicking an screaming at times… waiting for the “ah” moment when it all works out and then I trust the decision/ logic better next time…

Fact is. Thank fuck. I don’t want to be the CAG in my relationship. I wanted M to be the CAG…

I have my own brain, my own logic and I’m going through my own stuff right now and so is he. I’ve been slowing melting away the moulds and implicated “roles” that has been assigned to me in a deepening adventure into – Who the fuck am I?

I’ve been gradually pin holing myself into an existence based on what I thought I should be and not just being who I was or what was expected of me by Him.

It was a mutual decision 2 weeks ago than the collar around my neck was removed. It’s been a great time of reflection for both of us, about how we function together, what our goals are, and what we enjoy.

We’ve been together 12 years now and the life plan is still the same here, it’s just what we’re packing for the journey is being re evaluated.

I still deeply love him and trust him more than any one. I still love him even when I want to smother him….to death. I’m still painfully passive and submissive and smooshy about him being in control and I still get a happy being bruised and wet panties from him slapping my face.

I’m collarless and eating a bowl of peanut butter M&M’s for breakfast, on my second coffee of the day and I not too worried… I’m free right?

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