A four word question that in the midst of all the blergh and umphf left me abruptly annoyed and irritated. I had casually strolled up to the school to retrieve one of the little humans and thought I’d have a look at the Happiness Journal I’d recently been gifted. I sat on the cliche park bench under the shade of the tree in the quadrangle (they still call them that right?) and pulled out a trusty pen and flicked the page open to read the question.
What makes you happy? (make a list)
I guess it might have been one of those moments where I could have just received a txt message that didn’t have a smiley face on it to dull it’s possibility of being assumed as an accusation. I hadn’t read that question innocently. I had read it as if that little fucking yellow book of “happiness” was judging me and accusing me . What makes you happy? I looked up from the snotty book and glanced around me feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. It was a sunny, warm day and I wanted to be determined in that moment to think of the things that make me happy, but it just felt too hard. I couldn’t think of one and the numbers were leaning against the edge of the paper like the steps to no where for me. I didn’t want to be ingenuous with my entry and snapped it shut and put it away.
The more I thought about the question, the more it triggered me in believing it was insensitive and nosy. I was perplexed at how or why those four words gnawed at me. Really though, I do have a lot to be happy but it’s the complexities of being caught up in annoyances that seem to have clouded my ability to see with my rose coloured glasses. That or I just haven’t been drinking enough champagne lately…
I’m convinced that I’ve been abducted be aliens. About 6 months ago I really felt everything was doing good. Mostly good. Somehow I think I might have been taken to another dimension, alternative universe if you will, and swapped with whatever me that replaced me with at my real home. One day it’s like I woke up every everything was off. The twins (almost 12 years old) are so far out of tuned with their motivation, attitude, and their brains are not receiving any messages that are not transmitted via the tv, xbox or game card AND My cherished and beloved husband has turned into my room mate. Not to mention all the stinky, sticky debt and bills that loom.
What makes me happy?
It pretty much pisses me the fuck off. just saying.
In a midst of my panic that I feel utterly persecuted by that question I turned to Facebook for some exercise in measuring the extent of my problem… as you do… only to find that my peers are a bunch of bloody wonderful and lovely happy people. Awesome!
What I did get out of it though, was being able to narrow down two points that helped me put the question into a space I could comprehend. 1) It takes time to be happy, and you have to teach yourself to recognise happiness and 2) What makes me smile.
I might not be ready to list a million things but I definitely have a new perspective that makes it easier to feel less assaulted by four simple words and for that I can share a few of these gems;
A well designed cupcake.
Organising my day planner.
Blowing raspberries on my daughters belly as a way for rolling her out of bed in the morning.
The sheer silliness and sense of humour the twins inject into our daily lives.
A clean home.
Getting to drink my coffee HOT!
Enjoying the last of the warm summer evenings with the heat on my skin.
Grocery shopping and staying under budget.
Knowing that all the crap going on for me right now, is temporary and will pass.
So I’m off to go challenge my thinking, and stop being my own soggy wet blanket. Hopefully.
What makes you happy?